Happier: CNN= Self Reflection

The content of this blog concerns CNN's recent tirade of self advertisements.

As I curl up with a book about music theory in Portuguese poetry in my stylish yet blatantly urban loft, using pages of the Economist to fuel my traditional east coast fireplace, the following slogan catches my eye: CNN= Politics.

Ah sweet satisfaction! As an avid media criticizer, two things have always irritated me: low angle shots of Wolf Blitzer and American journalism considering itself "truth". Between Fox's "No Spin Zone" and ABC reporter Ron Claiborne's over-attention to McCain's recent "Truth Squad", that word is everywhere. And up until now, I had thought that CNN had fallen from its grace of respectable news media into the bungalow circus of frenzied pretty boys looking to cover Brittany Spears' newest hair cut.

Leave Brittany Spears alone.

But my faith has been restored! CNN is still a bungalow circus of frenzied pretty boys, but at least they admit to it! CNN has recently started sporting its newest slogan "CNN=Politics" in order to bank off of the excitement of the elections. I have to admit, I was afraid that CNN would return to their usual "CNN=fear mongering" but despite the election coming to a close, CNN continues to show off their self-reflecting title. And let me just say, CNN most definitely equals politics. At a recent luncheon, I watched with bated breath as Don Lemon interviewed president elect Barack Obama's basketball teammates and rivals. According to the clip that was help as teaser footage until the actual report, Barack Obama "could pass the ball more". Thankfully CNN (due to their equality to politics) is keeping a watchful eye on our future president's court etiquette. If his policies are to be a reflection of his game, we are sure to have a president that... will... not pass us the basketball quite as often as we would like. According to CNN, that is.

Cutting to the chase:

CNN equaling politics is nothing new. What's new is CNN shedding their false dedication to honest news reporting (which arguably stopped existing with that BBC case that I try so hard at night to stop having nightmares about). What grabs this the title of Happier rather than Bitter is simple mathematics. CNN=politics and politics does not = honesty. In fact, allowing a vague social connotation, politics = corruption and therefore CNN=corrupt media conglomeration. And now they are willing to come out about it! It's like CNN coming out of the closet except instead of the act being one of bravery and anti-normality, the station has just come to terms with its inherent idiocy and cowardice.

Take the "No-Bull Zone", which was part of their political "No Bias, No Bull" campaign. You know, the campaign with shiny red stars that flew at the screen, because showing American symbolism is by no means providing bias. And reporting only in English holds no bias towards the English language. Or being conservative as fuck would not-- sorry, I'm still heated over the Economist's Dickensian cover about our president elect.

Back to the "No-Bull Zone", I put forth this simple argument. If CNN has to host a specific segment in which there is no, as they are putting it, bullshit, what does that say for the rest of the programming that is outside the "No-Bull Zone"? Also, if there is a constant banner reading "No Bias, No Bull" appearing outside the "No-Bull Zone" where there is, by definition and necessity of existence, bias, is CNN lying? And if CNN=Politics and they have a politics section to their programming as well as a Politics tab on their website, does that make their political segments meta-politics? The politics of politics with no bullshit outside a zone that is regarded for having no bullshit?

Is CNN a complex web of introspective analysis of a media conglomeration that, by being aware of their faults has made itself free of them?

The answer is no. CNN is not complicated, they either do not know what words mean or care to use them appropriately. And, as with Don Lemmon's headlining segment on Obama's basketball skills, apparently they do not know how to allot time either. As a journalist body, both language and emphasis both must be taken into consideration. But fear not, I am not calling CNN a shitty news station because CNN itself does not call itself a news station. If you recall, CNN=politics and therefore CNN can only be an opinionated propaganda machine. And because they now admit to this, I am happier for it.

Final thoughts
So as I read to myself "minha nina" by an anonymous Portuguese poet and sweep up the ashes of another photoshopped picture of China's flag in a syringe, the following thought comes to me: why does CNN spend so much money on those large iPhone screens that are just annoying when they do not work half the time? And what is up with the holograms? And the Hurricane Department which seems like a huge waste or resources. And what the fuck happened to CNN?

I want my old news station back.

Bitter: The 37 days of Christmas

The content of this blog concerns ABC's countdown to the 25 days of Christmas.

As I drink my vanilla latte and cringe at this month's New Yorker cartoons, the following thought comes to me: Thanksgiving is the middle child of wintery holidays.

Halloween gets its gory glory just as the fallen leaves of fall make way for a carpet of Christmas pine. But what of Thanksgiving? Yes, there's the football games and the day of giving thanks by taking in as much cranberry sauce as humanly possible but could it be that Thanksgiving is being forgotten completely? No, absolutely not, that's impossible, it's an all American holiday. In fact, it's one of the only true American AMERICAN holidays, it reminds us of our core values of coming together as a community and put aside our monetary woes for a peaceful celebration of affordable food. It is a democratic holiday about combating our dark history with a prospect of a bright future. Nothing is more American than Thanksgiving.

Except Christmas.

Now to get it out of the way, I love Christmas. Some of my fondest childhood memories concern Christmas and the bated-breath before opening a colorfully packaged surprise. It is a great holiday, peace on Earth, noel and all that jazz. But seriously, Christmas needs to stop.
I'm not against Christmas because it is a Christian holiday [so put down your war shield, Bill O'Reilly], and I'm not against Christmas because it is actually the date of a Pagan holy-day [Bill, what did I say about that war shield!]. I am against Christmas because it has hijacked November and has shafted Thanksgiving with that party-popper thing that never actually really pops.

Cutting to the chase:

Television network ABC Family has begun advertising its countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas. At first I thought "Oh, yeah, the 25 days of Christmas! Granted the 13 Days of Halloween was a bit weak this year but okay, I love that countdown of classic movies and made for television embarrassment that, for any other holiday, would be absolutely mocked. But that's the accepting, gaudy nature of Christmas!" But as I was about to go online and order my fatty bucket of three-flavor popcorn, I glanced at the proposed date of said programming. Traditionally, the 25 Days of Christmas starts on December 1 and ends December 25, thus constituting 25 days. But this programming was to start on the 19th of November.
Now hold on a second. And by second I mean half a month.
ABC Family is proposing a 12-day countdown that will lead up to the 25-day countdown to Christmas. Holiday politics aside, a countdown to a countdown? Really? DC comics would not even touch that trick, at least there is some sort of crisis at the end of the countdown that we can look forward to. I know people love Christmas but how riled up can folk get about the countdown to the actual countdown. And how big is ABC Family's Christmas cache that they can afford two Christmas countdowns?
But my qualm has little to do with countdowns or other intangible attempts at gathering advertising money. Or the religious presence that we overlook because, come on folks, no one is going to be converted either way when Tim Allen puts on a fat suit. My issue with the premature red and green tissue is that Thanksgiving occurs on the 27th... 8 days into the countdown to the countdown to Christmas.
Woah, what? A countdown to a countdown after Thanksgiving... okay, I would accept that. I would accept the numerical value in establishing two countdowns so one could encompass the entire month of December but this is too far. This is just too far.
Thanksgiving is being completely overlooked with rehashed Christmas specials of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and "Holiday in Handcuffs", a charming tale about "a struggling artist working as waitress kidnaps one of her customers to bring home and meet her parents at Christmas", according to IMDB. Melissa Joan Hart... Melissa, Melissa, Melissa...
All bitterness aside in accordance with the holiday spirit, I am looking forward to the 25 Days of Christmas and all of its tinsel glory. But Thanksgiving being overseen by "Holiday in Handcuffs"? A countdown to a countdown? Oh, my final thoughts are not going to be pleasant...

Final thoughts
So as I hold my mug up in the blistery cold city and search for one more grain of espresso to get me through tonight's midterm paper, the following thought comes to me: who gives a fuck about ABC Family anyhow?

Thank you for your consideration and stay warm

An introduction to Bitter/Happier

Welcome to the BitterHappier blog. As evidenced by the title of this blog, articles found here will be addressing elements of everyday life that stand out as either absolutely entertaining or more-or-less offensive. And because the editor of this blog is a self proclaimed "bitter" student of the media, you can guess that even the Happier blogs will entail a sense of tragic irony. Enjoy!